Facing Demons
by CharismaticMegafauna
Summary: Shepard and her team run across one of the enemies she despises most. Also, she finds that irreparable rifts have formed between her and an old teammate.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This fanfic is the result of several ideas my friend and I had bounced around... all compiled into a post-suicide mission tale. Shepard is based on my Paragade Shep (Colonist/Sole Survivor) - she's always paragon unless someone tries to hurt her or her crew. Also, if you read my other fanfic, this one gives us a slightly different resolution to the problem. 'Nuff said. Hope you enjoy, please feel free to leave reviews/comments - I truly appreciate any and all reader input. (:

* * *

"I have detected an anomaly, Shepard."

"Hmm?" She shook her head, startled out of a trance. She had been scanning planets in the Exodus cluster for over an hour, her eyes focused somewhere beyond the display.

Kelly looked up from her console at the commander, and giggled. The yeoman was always pleasant to be around, and her intuition about the crew was often invaluable. Shepard was certainly glad for her company when scanning in the CIC, though. It cut the monotony of the task. It had not been since Ashley Williams that Shepard had a real gal-pal. 'Girl talk' was not something most people would associate with the icon that was Commander Shepard. But, in truth, she enjoyed that Kelly was such a straightforward person, and found great relief from everyday stresses in just ... chatting. They had quickly found that despite their labels - Spectre, legend; ex-Cerberus, counselor - they enjoyed escaping these things just to be friends.

Shepard scrunched up her brows in displeasure. "The last time I visited this system, this planet wasn't even habitable."

EDI replied in her usual serene tone, "Terraforming has been underway on Tyr for approximately 2 years, funded by prospecting firms on Terra Nova. Though the planet is not ideal by human standards yet, it is well on its way. The atmosphere has been altered sufficiently that breathers are not required. Several mining companies have constructed small settlements to further establish a claim to the vast resources here."

"Really? We just needed a bit more platinum before plotting a course to the Cidatel, and of course... an anomaly." She sighed heavily, "Please, EDI, tell me that this 'anomaly' is an isolated, incomparable vacation spot. One where everyone we run into will ask me if they can do me any favors."

"Ooh, with a spa run by hanar - I could really use a good massage, and nothing can compare to those tentacles," added Kelly with mock hopefulness.

"Ugh, Kelly, that is so ... _weird_!!" Shepard laughed.

"Don't knock it 'til you try it, that's all I'll say."

"Hardly." EDI's smooth voice cut in. "It is a distress call."

"What a let-down," Kelly rolled her eyes. "I assume you'll be heading to the surface, then. Who should I ask to meet you in the cargo bay?"

Shepard turned back to the EDI's spherical representation on the display. "Do we have any information about what to expect?"

"The distress call is automated, no indication of what the problem may be. I detect batarian comm chatter; a possibility is that slavers have attacked the colony site. It is not unheard of in this system. No additional data."

Shepard groaned, "Batarians." Shepard turned to Kelly, "ask Garrus and Thane to be at the shuttle in ten." Kelly passed on the message, while Shepard briefly looked over the scan maps of the surface. This was her usual team, she almost always preferred to have the two highly skilled marksmen at her side.

Shepard left the console, flashing Kelly a smile as she turned to the elevator. Kelly watched with mild concern; she was confident that Shepard was an ideal choice for the task at hand - she _always_ was - but that didn't keep the yeoman from worrying. After all, even the mighty Shepard had been killed once. Though most saw Shepard as an infallible symbol, Kelly knew that she was still human. Only the people lucky enough to know the woman behind the myth were able to see that. But living with this weighty knowledge was worth it - being Shepard's friend was a marvelous thing. As soon as she met her, Kelly realized that Shepard valued her friends more than anything - even her own life. Her friends were closer to her than family was to most people. This was what Kelly admired most about the commander, not her prowess on the battlefield or Spectre status.

After a couple minutes, Shepard reemerged clad in her armor, and headed toward the armory. She gathered and checked over her favorite assault rifle, as well as her other usual armaments, and then snapped them into their respective places on her armor. As she turned, she saw Garrus stride in.

"What are we up against, Shepard?" he asked.

"Not sure, possibly batarian slavers." She wrinkled her nose in disgust. "EDI didn't have much info. It appears to be a small human settlement with a mine. Automated distress beacon."

"Hm, maybe they just need us to recalibrate a mining laser for them? You do have a talent for that sort of thing." He focused on checking his sniper rifle, ever thorough.

She snorted a laugh and punched him in the shoulder as she headed for the elevator. "See you in a minute."

After the elevator ride, she found Thane already in the cargo bay. He was seated on a crate by the shuttle, double-checking his weapons. He always kept them in Life Support with him. They had been customized for his own hands by the Hanar, and he took great comfort in maintaining them himself. He looked up to see Shepard enter. He gave her a nod and subtle smile, gesturing for her to join him. "Siha."

"Hey, Thane," she replied warmly, and sat on the crate next to him, their shoulders touching. Neither were much for displaying their affection for one another in public. It was often unspoken between them, as were many things. There was no need to make the rest of the team uncomfortable in their presence. Of course, neither of them fooled themselves by thinking that the crew was unaware of their relationship. In these times, a slight touch or a simple look was enough to communicate their feelings for one another.

"What do we anticipate on the surface?" he asked.

"Automated distress beacon. EDI suspects batarian slavers." She kicked at the crate underneath her.

"Hmm." Thane replied, seemingly lost in thought.

She turned abruptly to him, confessing her feelings, "I know I've told you about my past with these low-lifes. What happened on Mindoir. I've had to deal with batarian slavers since, in my service with the Alliance. They seem to enjoy attacking human colonies. I really do _try_ not to be racist, but I can't help but feel that good experiences with batarians are few and far between. And slavers - Hell, I hate them with a passion."

She paused composing her thoughts, "I know you've got just as many reasons to feel the same. On the elevator ride down here, I realized that-- it might trigger memories for you. Unpleasant ones. I don't want to force that on you. If you don't want to go on this mission, I'll understand. Completely."

He met her gaze, "Siha, I have lived with the events of the past for many years. As have you. I have painful memories, yes, but... I have control over them. It will not impair my abilities. Rather, it will sharpen them. I have a great deal of experience killing batarians, and I have no sympathy for slavers." He put his hand on hers, "I would not want you to face your demons alone. Its better that we do this together."

She smiled, "Alright." Looking down at her gun, she remarked, "I wish there was more information about what we'll find on the surface. I don't like going in blind. I guess we'll just have to play it by ear." She shrugged, bumping him slightly with her shoulder.

"What's your plan?"

"Insert at the landing zone, outside the perimeter of the settlement. Work our way through, looking for anyone who knows what's going on. Then head for the beacon. Its located within the mining facility itself. Hopefully, it'll be a quick in-and-out." she shrugged.

Garrus arrived, and the three of them quickly boarded the Kodiak for the drop to the planet's surface.

* * *

The team departed the shuttle, examining their surroundings. The surface of Tyr was unwelcoming - rocky and windy, still devoid of most plant life. Though the atmosphere was breathable, as EDI had said, it was quite cold and the air felt sharp in their lungs. Along the horizon, rock formations jutted into the sky, and everywhere the ground itself was cracked, forcing them to diligently watch their steps. Finally, after traversing to the settlement itself, they reached smoothed roads and walkways and their movements became easier.

"Well, this planet sure is homey. Might just have to spend my next shore leave here," Garrus quipped.

Thane shook his head, "You are assuming that the galaxy will ever allow us a vacation."

Shepard turned to them, grinning, "Oh, you guys know you live for the excitement."

"Mm-hm." Garrus grunted unenthusiastically, "I never seem to get my fill of being shot at."

They walked amongst the prefabricated, container-like houses and buildings of the settlement. Several human bodies lay charred by gunfire in the street. Garrus and Thane lifted their rifles, scanning their surroundings for any sign of hostiles. Shepard examined several buildings, but she found no one alive. They moved methodically through the small colony, not wanting to be ambushed.

Thane made a discovery behind crates along the roadway, "Batarian. Well-equipped, too. It seems EDI was correct."

"Great," Shepard replied, "I really had hoped it wouldn't come to this." Her expression hardened.

"Scum of the galaxy," Garrus added. "This could get messy."

"You can say that again. Remember last time?" She turned to Thane, "There is a high probability that they'll be prepared to use their captives as hostages. We may need to approach this one more delicately than with the usual mercs." He nodded.

They arrived at the entrance to the mine complex after finding several more bodies, killed with deadly precision. Suddenly Shepard's radio burst to life, "Commander? Another ship just arrived in orbit - Alliance. Stealth systems are engaged, and I'm keeping out of sight, you know, if they happen to look out a window. You want to leave this to them? We could extract you and leave them none-the-wiser."

She considered it for a moment, but shook her head. "Nah, we're already at the facility. Besides, the last thing we need is for them to blame whatever happened here on us somehow, since we're 'working for Cerberus.'" She rolled her eyes. "We'll take care of it. We'll probably still extract before they arrive, anyway. Keep me updated, though."

"Yes, ma'am." The channel cut off.

Garrus had already walked to the entryway to the mine, scoping out the path ahead. It was large enough for vehicles to drive through - probably for moving equipment and mined resources.

Shepard stood, staring off at the rugged horizon, as if waiting for an Alliance ship to swoop in. Her last interaction with the Alliance hadn't been exactly friendly. Admiral Hackett had given her an earful for her cooperation with Cerberus. He'd read Commander Alenko's report from Horizon, and had belittled her fiercely over the comm channel. Normally she would have just cut the channel when someone gave her shit like that. But that day was different. Her stifled inner hatred for Cerberus, the confrontation with Kaidan, as well as her immense disappointment from not having been able to save but a small portion of the colonists... it all added up to her hating herself right then. She absorbed his scorn through the comm, wanting it, feeling as though she deserved it. She knew stopping the Collectors was worth it, but she hated the universe for forcing her into this position. The position where she had to work with Cerberus, a group she hated with all her soul. The group that had been responsible for the deaths of her entire unit on Akuze, did horrible experiments on innocent human beings, and--

She felt something brush her back, startling her into alertness. Thane stood beside her, hand lightly rested on the small of her back. "Ready?" He asked. How he always seemed to know when something was bothering her, she couldn't understand. Chakwas had once drunkenly joked with her that she was the stabilizing force in all of their lives. He was Shepard's. He helped her keep her focus, a level head. Also, it couldn't be discounted that he made her feel alive, loved - more than she ever had in her entire life. After being brought back by Cerberus, most of her former allies treated her with distrust; some even scorned her, calling her a traitor. The way Thane made her feel wanted, justified - it was exactly what she needed. Of course, she was far too strong to ever admit it. But that was the perfect thing about him - she never had to ask him for anything.

She shook her head, annoyed at herself, "Yeah, let's move." They caught up to Garrus, who was just then turning to look for them.

"What's your assessment?" She asked. The turian's tactical expertise was immensely useful on missions such as this one, when they were heading into an unknown. Though Shepard was the commander - and no one would ever doubt her authority - she never hesitated to allow Garrus to recommend a course of action. This was where he shined, and she trusted him with her life. He had studied the schematics of the underground facility in depth on the flight down, he would have already formulated a plan.

"There are only two entrances to this facility - this," he gestured to the entryway they were standing before, "...and one on the north side. The far one is smaller, and the path to the central chamber is longer and less direct. There's no real way to tell where we'll run into resistance. I sighted at least 5 batarians along this passage up further on. There's plenty of cover, it'd be an easy assault. The schematics show both passages leading directly to a large open, central area, presumably our goal. I say we just make our way in. Doesn't look too challenging. What do you think?"

"Sounds good, Garrus. Come on." She headed into the facility, flanked on either side by the snipers.

After advancing down the passage for a couple minutes unopposed, they soon met with a squad of a half dozen batarians. Shepard charged forward into cover and threw a wide singularity into the midst of several. Thane ignited it with a well-placed warp, sending the enemies flailing through the air. The two snipers methodically dropped enemies, as Shepard used pull to rip the most hidden batarians from cover and then tore into them brutally with her assault rifle. After seeing all the innocent colonists slaughtered on the surface, she had no problem murdering these bastards. They made quick work of the squad, and then advanced down the passage toward the main facility.

"She- .... -ding a sh- .... -ace, wh- .... -o?" a transmission came in from the Normandy.

"Damn it, the signal's being distorted by the mine. Say again Joker?" Shepard replied.

"All- ... down to th- .... what ar- ... -ers?"

"Shit." Shepard said angrily. "Hopefully its not very important. Let's just finish this."

They moved further down the passageway straight to a large central chamber littered with crates and large rocks. The three of them crept in, hiding behind the nearest cover. Shepard peered around to see a group of fifteen or so batarians, all heavily armed. She dodged back behind cover, giving Thane and Garrus her palm, signaling for them to hold position. She scanned around the large room. There was good cover along the west wall, leading to a small container-building in the northwest corner. It was guarded by two batarians. She could see humans through the window. "Hostages. This is what I was afraid would happen." She motioned for the others to have a look. They peeked out, and then popped back into cover, nodding to signal they'd seen it.

The main group of batarians was clumped by some mining equipment in the southeast corner, just east of the team's position along the southern wall. One was using a console. "Filthy Systems Alliance is here. I guess we won't be getting out as soon as we'd hoped. Looks like they've sent a shuttle with troops to the north entrance. Everyone, prepare to kill off those two-eyed vermin." He gestured toward the northeast corner of the chamber where another door was located. The batarians pulled out their weapons and ran to that side of the room and took defensive positions.

"So, Joker was trying to tell us that the Alliance ship is sending someone to respond to the signal. Well, that may prove useful." She murmured. She peered back out of cover to study the situation more. Suddenly, the batarian commander turned in her direction, and she saw his face before dodging back into cover. She knew that face. She _loathed_ that face.

It was _Balak_!


	2. Chapter 2

"Its Balak! I will _kill_ that bastard this time." Shepard snarled under her breath. Her jaw tightened with rage.

She turned to Thane and Garrus, "You two get those hostages safe. He doesn't know we're here - for whatever reason. That's our advantage. Looks like if you move along the west wall you should be able to get there unseen. When you're in position, I'll show myself. It'll throw Balak and his men off-guard and give you the time you need. He hates me with a passion... I can keep him busy. Just be stealthy in taking out those two guards."

"No way, Shepard, that's crazy!" Garrus protested. "He'll just shoot you! Besides - its you, against all of _them_." He pointed with a claw emphatically toward Balak's troops.

"I'll stay in cover. Make him think I'm the one with the troops coming. It'll make him cautious. The last thing he wants is to get caught. He'll want to pull the same shit he did last time - trick me into letting him escape by putting the hostages at risk. _Not_ this time."

"Damn it, Shepard." Garrus hissed. He was pissed, his mandibles moving anxiously. He looked at Thane for support.

Thane was focused intently on her face. Then he turned, studying the room carefully. Finally, he spoke to his teammates, "I don't like this situation - too many opportunities for error. Releasing the hostages should be easy, Shepard, but providing support for you once we are done will be quite the opposite. If you insist on this plan, attack from this location, so that you'll have access to the south exit for retreat. With the fire drawn toward you, Garrus and I can instruct the hostages to hide in cover along the north wall." As much as he didn't like the plan, he could see in her eyes that she was going to go through with it. The best he could do was try to force the battle into one that favored their success.

"_Damn it!_" Garrus muttered, in frustration. This was not what he was hoping Thane would say. He shook his head, crouched, and began slinking behind cover toward the west wall.

Thane hesitated a moment, looking at Shepard. She returned his gaze, her green eyes softening from the rage she had exhibited before. "I'll be careful. Let me know when you're in position to make the drop on the guards. Remember - I'll draw the troops' attention... but if those two guards start firing, this whole plan will go to hell. Silent and stealthy."

The corners of his lips turned up in a grin, "My specialty." With that, he moved silently off after Garrus. Shepard watched them until they had been lost from her sight. She turned to see Balak. It was impossible to assess his squad from this location, she realized. They were completely out of view now that they had relocated to the other entrance. She made the decision to move east, just a bit closer. She proceeded carefully, toward where Balak stood, still at what appeared to be the mine facility's main control console.

The batarian commander was furiously keying the console, obviously having difficulty with the human interface. He had a shotgun in one hand. She studied him. He appeared distracted, perhaps even worried. This would be to her benefit, she knew. He was ultimately a coward, and her previous meeting with him had taught her how he played. Now she was preparing to take away his one advantage.

* * *

Garrus finally had reached the northwest corner, and caught sight of the two guards. Crouching behind a crate, he signaled their location to Thane. Thane examined the area, absorbing every detail, putting it to memory. He then turned to Garrus, whispering, "I've got them. You wait for me to make the kill, and join me quickly to free the hostages." Garrus nodded. As much as the turian didn't like to just sit idly by, he knew that this was a task perfectly tailored for the assassin.

Thane crept silently around to the rear of the building, and scaled the wall with relative ease. His mind danced between memories. Swift, successful kills... different methods... his past mistakes...

_Face-to-face. Neither moves. Dark alleyway on Omega. Acrid stench of waste; litter seeping from every corner. The moan of a drunk from somewhere in the darkness. Four eyes, glaring - unblinking, unafraid. 'Yeah, I know who you are. We killed your wife. I'd do it again, too. Her screams were exquisite,' the murderer sneered, raising a pistol. Knife hidden up my sleeve. My hand slashed out rapidly, slitting the batarian's throat with a single swipe. The pistol clatters to the floor, unused. Sticky, thick blood throbs from the gash, slithering in fat rivulets down the alien's shuddering neck...  
_

Thane shook the memory off, remembering his intense desire for vengeance. Sloppy. This time would be perfect. His mind ran over the options quickly. Batarian necks were fairly easy to snap. A flawless, instant kill. Their vocalizations were produced in the throat, like most species. One sharp jab would silence his enemy. A swift underhand blow to the chin would finish cleanly.

Thane crawled across the roof, on his stomach, doing his best to keep out of sight. He was almost to the edge. Almost ready. "Amonkira, guide my hand..."

* * *

Balak started back toward the center of the room, watching his troops. Shepard looked over to the small building with the hostages. Thane was on top, crawling toward the forward edge, above the two guards. His green coloration suddenly seemed such a stark contrast to everything else in the cavern. Obvious. In the open. She cringed, glancing back over to the large group of batarians, hoping none would notice him. They were all focused on the entryway.

Over her radio, Thane spoke, hushed, "Ready."

"Do it." She replied without hesitation. Then she flung a biotic throw at Balak, knocking him face-first into the dirt. His troops spun around, shooting blindly. Ducking back into cover, she yelled over the gunfire, "Its over, Balak!"

Stumbling to his feet, Balak shouted back, "I've got a dozen hostages in a room with a damn bomb! I'm holding the remote trigger! Surrender yourself or they're as good as dead!"

Shepard glanced over to see Thane drop onto the first batarian guard, snapping his neck with uncanny precision. The other turned, surprised, and began to raise his gun. In one fluid step and sudden swing of his arm, Thane broke the batarian's forearm, forcing him to drop the gun. He moved smoothly, grabbing the batarian's face and slamming it into his knee. Just like that, the second batarian was down. Silent. Amazing. Perfect. She couldn't help but grin.

"Beautiful," she exclaimed over the comm. "Now, hurry!"

She grasped her gun tightly and stood over the cover, spraying gunfire. She made sure to stay in the open just long enough so that Balak could see who she was.

"Shepard!" he growled, "I knew I should have killed you last time. Now I'll be sure to personally finish the job."

"Oh _please_, Balak. You may have four ugly-assed eyes, but I'm willing to bet you've got _no_ _balls_." The furious look on his face made it obvious that the insult was_ definitely_ not lost in translation.

He motioned wildly for his crew to surround her position. She tossed a singularity at a cluster, and peppered a second group with assault rifle fire, slowing their advance. With a mocking tone, "Are you so sure you want to do that? What with my troops coming in moments? Your desire for revenge may cost you your life!"

Balak growled and hissed orders, "Traven, you and your team keep guard at the door. Rakkar, proceed. This whore I want to murder _myself_." Half the team moved their attention back to the northeast door, nervously checking over their shoulders. Five others began advancing toward her position, followed by Balak. She quickly glanced at the building - hostages were running out, dodging down along the north wall, behind cover. It was working. Garrus and Thane were emerging from the building, preparing to come to her aid.

Suddenly, gunfire erupted at the northeast entrance. The Alliance troops had arrived. Everything became chaos, moving too fast for her to react. Shepard knew her advantage had just evaporated. Balak would be panicked now - unpredictable. He turned to her, pulling a control pad from his belt. "Fuck you, Shepard! These deaths are on _your_ hands!" As soon as he touched the remote trigger, she saw an explosion erupt from the building in the northwest corner.

"_FUCK_!" She screamed, blasting Balak with a throw pulse, which he dodged by dropping behind cover. Several batarians moved toward her, and she soon found herself fighting for her life, unsure of whether her teammates were hurt. "Thane!? Garrus?! Are you there? Shit!"

There was no response.

* * *

On the other side of the room, Thane found himself knocked several meters away from the building by the explosion. His head was ringing, devoid of any actual sound. He looked up, and saw gunfire everywhere. Where was Shepard? He looked around quickly for Garrus, but couldn't see him. He scrambled forward, seeing his rifle a meter in front of him. Grasping it, he stood.

_Garrus_. The turian was lying slumped against some rocks 5 meters to the east. Was he alive, after being blasted that far? Thane saw him move, slightly. _Yes_. He would be safe there.

In a split second he analyzed the battlefield. At least a dozen Alliance soldiers, decimating the batarians from the northeast. Shepard, pinned in the southeast corner by perhaps six batarians. How did she get herself pinned on the opposite side of the chamber?? He ran, shooting as he vaulted himself over cover toward her.

* * *

Shepard's shields were taking a beating. She was playing a very deadly game of cat and mouse. _Cats_ and mouse. One damn mouse. _Fuck._ _Why haven't Thane and Garrus responded?_ She refused to accept that her teammates were dead. But she didn't have the luxury to worry about them at the moment - the batarians just wouldn't let up. They were advancing, far too close. Her shields began to regenerate; she popped out and took down another with a warp and gunfire. The return fire nearly stripped her shields again. How many? She thought she had seen maybe three or four more nearby. Most had turned to focus on the Alliance soldiers.

A batarian appeared out of the corner of her eye; she turned left to face him. He was right on her, with a shotgun. She flung him back with a throw field cracking his head against the rock behind him, but he still got a shot off. She vaulted over the crate behind her, her last line of defense. There was nowhere to retreat to now, only the wall of the cavern. Why the fuck hadn't she listened to Thane and stayed at the entrance, where she could escape. _Shit_. Her kinetic shields were at only ten percent.

"_Kill her_!" Balak bellowed, somewhere very close by. Suddenly another batarian came around the cover to her right. She warped him and rolled away, forced out of cover. She had to run for a better spot.

As soon as she gained her footing to run, Balak was right in front of her. He bashed her in the face with the butt of his shotgun, sending her stumbling back, stunned.

"Take this, you bitch!" he growled and he shot her in the chest, decimating the remainder of her shields. She felt a burst of searing pain, realizing that he'd breached her armor. She twisted to face him, raising her gun, knowing it couldn't happen fast enough.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a flash of green somewhere in the middle of the room. _Thwack_. A sniper bullet sailed through Balak's sneering head right in front of her, exploding his skull.

Her face was splattered with hot, viscous blood. It burned in her eyes, her vision blurred. "Shit! I can't see, Thane!" Panicked, she threw a wide singularity in front of her, hoping it would protect her against another batarian's assault. She felt wildly for some sort of cover, while also trying to wipe the disgusting fluid from her eyes. "Thane, help!"

Thane had never heard her voice colored with fear, and it sent a chill to his core. He trained his rifle at the area she stood in, advancing quickly, searching for the enemy. "I have you, Siha." He was almost certain that another batarian was in the area. Perhaps two? He didn't know. All he knew was that he had to get there - and quickly.


	3. Chapter 3

"I think that's all of them, sir!" Lieutenant Bishop stated with relief, turning to her commander for further direction. She wiped sweat from her brow, looking around. Hostages scrambled behind them, ducking into the exit passageway to the northeast. Dead batarians lay strewn on the floor of the cavern.

"Murray! Secure those civilians!" Commander Alenko ordered one of his soldiers. The operation had been fairly easy - no doubt because his squad had outnumbered the batarians. Still, he was surprised at how disorganized the slavers had seemed. It just didn't feel right. He advanced around some large containers of ore, toward the center of the room, followed closely by his Lieutenant.

Off to his right, the skeletal frame of the small building that had exploded when they entered was still smoking heavily. Bishop remarked, "Damn. If anyone was inside, they're surely dead now."

He nodded and turned to look for the facility controls, "We should disengage that automated distress beacon." He moved south, noting with mild annoyance the large number of rubble piles and crates. They weaved slowly around the obstacles. He just wanted this mission to be over with. Then they could ensure the rest of the colony was safe, head back to the ship, and he could file another mission report. At least in this one he'd have something interesting to describe. Their tour in the Exodus Cluster had been exceedingly boring, but at least it was almost over; he was looking forward to having a break in a week. As he scanned for some sort of console to access, he saw movement to the south. He aimed his weapon, ready.

_No, it couldn't be_. Drawing a sharp breath, he realized it _was_ her. How was she here? He called out her name: "Commander Shepard!?"

She was stumbling, hands wiping wildly at her face, covered in blood. What had happened to her? Was she one of the batarian's captives? How had she gotten here? He started jogging across the cavern in her direction.

As he moved toward her, a drell appeared out from behind cover, swiftly moving toward her, too. The alien had a sniper rifle trained on her.

"No!!" With a swing of his arm, Kaidan flung the alien off course with a well-placed biotic throw. The drell tumbled across the floor sending dust flying into the air. His green body slammed into a stack of crates, which toppled down heavily on top of him.

* * *

Next to a pile of rubble, Garrus had regained consciousness and stumbled to his feet. His head throbbed like he'd gotten himself piss-drunk and then been head-butted repeatedly by a damn krogan. He felt the side of his face delicately, out of habit. He wondered how long he'd been out. What had happened?

He stood, shakily. Scanning the room, he saw Shepard, a considerable distance away, visibly wounded. There was Thane, rifle trained on an unseen enemy. Alliance soldiers moving toward her. He ran, too, not sure what they were all focused on. Were all the batarians dead? He couldn't see any left.

Suddenly, a soldier sent Thane flying several meters with biotics. "What the hell are you doing!?" Garrus yelled, raising his assault rifle.

The soldier spun around to face him. He recognized Kaidan immediately. "Garrus?!" his former teammate said in shock, stopping in his tracks.

Garrus continued running forward, ignoring Kaidan, his blue eyes focused solely on Shepard. Had Thane seen something? He saw the drell struggling to free himself from under the large crates. There was no time to help. He had to get to his commander, make sure she was safe.

He scrambled haphazardly over rocks and containers, trying to get to Shepard. In an instant, a hidden batarian stepped in front of her, shotgun trained on his best friend.

* * *

Shepard heard shouting, too far away to make out what was said or who was making the noise. For a split second, she was prepared to call out a reply. Then a crunching sound nearby - gravel under a boot. Someone. She whipped her body around toward the sound, tossing a warp in its direction. With her vision still very blurred, she couldn't tell if it met a target.

Was it Thane? No, Thane would announce himself. It had to be an enemy.

She blinked desperately, straining to see. Her fiercely stinging eyes only offered blurs of brown and grey. Time seemed to come to a standstill in her mind, her remaining senses honed. She felt her pulse pounding in her veins. Sweat, trickling down her spine. Adrenaline, numbing her pain. _Listen_.

Her gun quivered. _Where?_

"This is for Balak!" a voice snarled, and with that, the unseen batarian unloaded a round from his shotgun square into her gut.

* * *

Blood splashed from Shepard's wound, a burst of crimson. Garrus roared in rage, pumping the batarian full of gunfire, enough to kill it many times over.

Her rifle slipping from her fingers, Shepard fell to her knees.

Thane, back on his feet, raced to her side, grasping her as she collapsed backwards into his arms. "Thane," she coughed, gasping for a breath. Her entire body shuddered, and her eyes rolled back as she began to convulse. As Garrus ran up, he saw Thane scrambling to apply a medi-gel with shaking hands, though he was sure the drell knew her injuries were far too severe for a field dressing.

Garrus reached for his comm, then cursed, remembering the mine was blocking the signal. He ran to the main facility console a few meters away, hoping for access to the colony's communications array. _Yes._ He input the necessary data, and spoke quickly, "Normandy, do you read?"

Joker replied, "Damn, I've been trying to--"

"Listen, Joker!" Garrus barked. "We need an emergency medical extraction at the south entrance to the mining facility. I repeat - emergency medical extraction, south entrance. Shepard's been shot, get Chakwas down here _now_!" Turning to Thane, he shouted, "We've got to go!"

Thane picked her up in his arms, like a child. Her body had already gone limp, arms and legs dangling loosely. He ran with her, as if she weighed nothing, back the way they had come. Garrus took off behind him, assault rifle still drawn, just in case.

* * *

Kaidan stood in shock for a moment, the last 30 seconds a blur. Then, without hesitation, he took off after the two aliens. They'd be gone once they got to the Normandy. He had to see her, be sure she was alright. He wasn't sure what to think of the mess of emotions that burst forth, but it wasn't really a time to sort out feelings. He raced down the corridor in pursuit.

Lieutenant Bishop struggled to run after him, "Sir, where are you going?"

"With them!" he shouted back.

"What?!"

"Finish up here, make sure the area's clear, evacuate the wounded to the ship. Report to the captain."

"But, Sir!"

"Just fucking do it!" he screamed, voice cracking in exasperation as he ran.

Carol Bishop stopped in her tracks, never having heard him like this. "Fuck," she said under her breath, and turned around to secure the area. "The captain is going to be pissed."

Kaidan caught up to the others outside the facility. The Kodiak was just touching down, a cloud of dust rising all around them. "I'm coming with you!" he shouted over the engines to Garrus. The turian shot him a tense look and shrugged, quickly returning his focus to Shepard.

The hatch opened and they quickly boarded. Seconds later, the shuttle shot up into the sky.

* * *

As they watched, Chakwas pulled off Shepard's chest plate, and blood gushed forth. She ripped off the commander's undershirt horizontally, to remove it from the wounds to her abdomen. The doctor put pressure on her patient's stomach, blood soaking quickly through the compress underneath her fingers.

Kaidan couldn't help but notice how small Shepard appeared under all her armor. It had been a long time since he had seen her at all, much less without armor. The torn shirt exposed the soft curves of the undersides of her breasts. Even now, she was beautiful. His gaze dropped to the floor, not wanting to see her so close to death. Painfully, he recalled the last time he saw her nude figure, on their way to Ilos. Things were so different then. God, he wanted her back. Back in the Alliance, back with him. Back to the way it was. Before everything went to hell. If he could just get her back, everything would be okay. Their last meeting was-- less than ideal, to put it lightly. And then he hadn't seen or heard from her again for months. This was never how he wanted to see her. No matter how angry he was with her then.

Garrus couldn't watch - couldn't stand to see Shepard, his best friend, like this. He turned away, running his clawed hands over his face. He felt the plate on his jawline, cool and foreign. She had saved him - saved his from certain death on Omega. He had to do the same. _Had_ to. He paced back and forth by the hatch, loathing the helpless feeling that plagued him. He couldn't do _anything._ He glanced back at her form crumpled on the floor, so bloodied. He slammed his fist against the wall in frustration, leaving a dent in the metal hull.

Thane sat on the floor, still cradling her head in his lap. He had not moved since he placed her limp body on the floor in front of Chakwas. No matter how he tried to block it, he knew this moment would be etched forever into his mind. He recalled how Shepard had offered to let him stay behind, to protect him against the anguish of similar memories. Now he would be cursed with yet another. Even still, he could not tear his eyes away from her face. Her eyes were closed, lashes fluttering slightly. Her face stained and bruised, long hair matted with dirt and batarian blood. Her own blood had begun to pool around her, vividly red against the grey of the floor. It was all over him. She was _so_ pale. Tears stung at his eyes, and he dropped his head in quiet prayer, "Arashu, watch over my Siha. I entreat you to intervene, it is not her time - please--"

* * *

As soon as the shuttle touched down in the cargo hold, Chakwas was barking orders, "Thane - help me get her to medical!" She and the drell rushed Shepard from the cargo hold. As she left, the doctor turned and shouted back, "Garrus! Run and get Mordin. I will need his help." The turian sprinted from the shuttle, leaving Kaidan standing there in the open door of the Kodiak, bewildered.

He looked out onto the cargo hold, silver bulkheads reaching up two stories. This ship was huge. He also realized that it was not a ship he knew. Neither was most of the crew. He put his face in his hands, feeling bewildered. "God I hope she's alright. I can't lose her again. Not like this."

After trying unsuccessfully to compose himself for few minutes, he started away from the shuttle toward where the others had went. He thought he saw movement out of the corner of his eye, a floor above. He looked, but didn't see anyone. As he neared the other end of the hold, a krogan and heavily scarred man confronted him. The man held an assault rifle and asked in a heavy accent, "Who the fuck are you?"

"I'm going to smash your face in, intruder!" the krogan added menacingly.

"Commander Alenko - Systems Alliance," he responded quickly. "I came back with the crew.... and-- and Shepard."

The man narrowed his eyes. "That seems unlikely. We don't typically adopt stray dogs. Especially not goddamn Alliance ones. Try again."

"Well, its the truth," Kaidan responded.

The krogan sneered, circling, "I say we just kill him, Zaeed."

Zaeed's mouth tightened; he was clearly quite tempted to oblige the krogan. "Nah, Shepard's ship, Shepard's rules. Can't be too careful, though - right, Grunt? Crush this asshole if he so much as moves."

"With pleasure!" the Krogan grinned and smashed his fists together emphatically.

"Garrus, did you bring an Alliance soldier back with you from the surface?" he asked over the comm. There was a long pause.

Finally Garrus replied hastily, "Yes. Damn it. Just-- just bring him up to the Mess. I don't have time for this."

"Looks like you get a reprieve, Alliance." Zaeed grunted with some dissatisfaction, turning toward the elevator, "follow me."

Grunt and Zaeed stood on each side of Kaidan in the elevator. The krogan rumbled with agitation, balling his claws into fists, "Shepard's my battlemaster. I should have been there. No way would--"

Zaeed cut him off, "Don't worry, Grunt. She's one tough bitch. Toughest I've ever seen. She'll be fine. You krogans know what a true warrior looks like - scarred as hell. That's battlefield beauty, son. And you gotta take a few bullets to get them beauty marks. Look at my face." He pointed to his scars, "This is fuckin' tough. And Shepard; she's got it, too."

Listening silently, Kaidan's face scrunched with a combination of disgust and amazement. _Was this a pep talk?_

After brief consideration, Grunt nodded with conviction. "You're right! A few bullets won't down Shepard."

The doors slid open and they emerged on the crew deck. Grunt pointed at the eating area, and Kaidan sat obligingly. The last thing he needed to do was piss off the crew. And krogans were exceptionally easy to piss off. This one seemed even more temperamental than most.

He could see the medical bay. Chakwas and a salarian were working fervently behind a curtain. Garrus was there, too, pacing next to the exit. The drell, Thane, was seated at a desk along the window, face in his hands.

* * *

After an hour or so, the doctors were still working, but more calmly. Kaidan took that to be a good sign. Several people had gathered outside medical. An exceptionally beautiful dark-haired woman waited near the entrance to the medical bay, looking in with her arms crossed. Tali stood anxiously a little further down the corridor. A redheaded woman was holding the quarian's hand, her eyes red from crying. There was an asari, and several more humans that he didn't recognize. Finally, Garrus strode out and spoke with them. They seemed relieved; after a few moments of chatter, most dispersed. The redhead hugged Tali, then Garrus, tears flowing freely down her now smiling face. Though he was completely excluded from the conversation, Kaidan knew that Shepard must be okay. He breathed a deep sigh of relief.

Garrus looked over at where Kaidan sat. Why had he allowed him to come with them? Kaidan didn't deserve to be here. He had flat-out refused to help Shepard. He'd called her a traitor. With the adrenaline still flowing in his veins from the fight with the collectors, Garrus remembered vividly his desire to beat the life out of Kaidan for his words right then and there. He also could easily recall the hurt that was so visible in Shepard's eyes on the Kodiak ride away from Horizon. She hadn't said anything to him about it, but he knew it had stung more than she would ever say.

Stifling his disdain, he approached Kaidan, "The doctors say she's going to be just fine. They're finishing patching her up now. I guess that's what you're here for?"

"I-- I don't know," Kaidan admitted. "I just had to make sure she was okay. I know things aren't good between us. But its not like I would wish her to be hurt. I just thought... maybe if I got a chance to talk to her, we could fix things between us." His response was weak, apologetic. He knew Garrus wasn't the one who he should be telling this.

The turian stared at him, his face still stern, "You practically told her that you preferred her _dead_ to being alive and working with Cerberus. And now you're whining to me about it? You think loyalty to your Alliance is all there is. Seems to me you forgot about loyalty to friends. To your Commander - the one you owe your life." He scoffed and walked away. It was probably for the best - Kaidan could think of no response for Garrus' stinging words.

Kaidan's eyes scanned across the Mess, feeling increasingly unwelcome. His gaze came to an abrupt halt on a woman sitting with her combat boots propped up on the table in front of her. Her feet waggled back and forth nervously, bits of dirt dislodging and falling onto the table. She was thumbing the tip of a knife in one hand absent-mindedly, staring into the medical bay unblinkingly. A bowl sat in her lap, filled with some sort of crackers, which she was popping into her mouth with her other hand.

Her body was covered with tattoos, literally from head to toe. Or, at least, from head to her very, _very_ lower torso. He knew this because she was wearing what looked like a belt around her chest to cover her nipples. And... that was all she was covering. She was beautiful, in a completely unrefined and vicious sort of way. He wondered how she could ever have become a part of the crew.

Abruptly, she felt his stare and turned. Her expression quickly turned sour. In a flash, the knife flew from here hand, glowing blue with biotic energy, directly at his face. He dodged to the side, yelping in surprise. The knife stopped a foot in front of where his face had been. After floating mid-air for a second, it then fell loosely to the table in front of him with a startling clank. He looked back across the room at her in disbelief.

The woman laughed hysterically, standing with her bowl of food in hand. She sauntered over beside him, lowering her face right next to his. She purred in his ear, "You're getting this lesson a little late in life, pretty-boy, but--" her tone quickly became scathing: "_It's fucking rude to stare_." She grabbed the knife on the table, dragging its tip along the flat surface in front of him as she walked away with her bowl towards the elevator. She didn't once look back.

_What the fuck kind of crew was this?_ Kaidan wondered.

* * *

Inside the med bay, Chakwas approached Thane, who was praying, seated at her desk.

She placed a hand on his shoulder, "Thane, she's going to be just fine. We've patched up all her internal injuries, its just a matter of dressing her wounds now. She won't regain consciousness for another hour or so. Please, go get yourself cleaned up. You're covered in blood. You can take care of _yourself_, now. You don't need to worry about her, alright?" She squeezed his shoulder comfortingly.

Thane looked up at her; his brows still furrowed with worry. "Thank you, Doctor - I will do as you ask." He stood to leave, then paused. He looked over his shoulder in Shepard's direction again, and turned back to Chakwas, "Please, can you let me know the instant she wakes? I want to be there for her."

"Of course," she replied warmly. "As soon as she comes to, we'll let you know."

He left the medical bay, finally allowing his exhaustion to wash over him like a warm wave. It was a welcome feeling... cleansing his mind of the worry and fear that had torn at his soul. His Siha would live.

* * *

Kaidan sat in the mess, surrounded by strangers, his face in his hands. "Hey, Alenko," a familiar voice interrupted his solitude. He looked up; Joker sat across from him, a mug in hand.

"Joker? Good to see you." It was half-assed, but he didn't have the emotional fortitude to actually sound happy.

"Um, yeah. Likewise. Things sure went to hell in a hand-basket today, huh? I'm just glad Shepard's going to be okay. The universe would be shit out of luck without her." He paused; conversation was not his strong point. "Anyways, I just wanted to tell you that your Captain is driving me _crazy_ over the comm, constantly demanding we 'return you.'" He made air quotes and rolled his eyes. "Like we stole you or something. They're also dogging the Normandy to keep us in visual range. Really pissing me off. I cannot wait to get you back to them so we can get out of this damn system. I don't like being followed."

"Sorry, Joker. Just tell them I need to stay a little longer. I want to see her myself; its been so long." He glanced back over toward medical, "How has she been?"

"I assume you mean _before_ she got shot? Great, I guess. Like always? Just her usual save-the-universe self."

"I wish I could have talked to her again, seen her since last time. She never replied to my message." Kaidan mused.

"You mean when you bitched at her on Horizon? Yeah, I can't claim to be a ladies' man, but I'm pretty sure that's not the best method of getting the girls to like you," he chuckled to himself. It was not unusual for him to be the only one laughing at his own jokes.

Kaidan shot him an annoyed look. "Joker, it was bit of a surprise. Not only was she alive, but she was working for _Cerberus_. They're human extremists! Not someone I would _ever_ expect her to associate with."

"No disrespect, but I disagree. I'm not saying that Cerberus is a bunch of saints, but ... they're not all bad, either. We had to do something. It was our best option."

Kaidan mumbled, "I don't know. I just-- don't."

Joker shrugged awkwardly, "Whatever, Commander."

"I didn't mean to hurt her feelings, though, with what I said." Kaidan added abruptly. "It was just... I was reacting to Cerberus. God, I don't know. Did she say anything about it?"

"Oh, I think she's over it." Joker chortled. "Well, gotta get back to driving the ship, and all that. Let me know when I can tell your asshole captain you're coming back. Later." He got up and hobbled off with his mug in hand.

Kaidan was left wondering what he meant by '_she's over it.'_

A crew member came over after a while and offered Kaidan a bowl of soup, which he accepted with a simple "Thanks." He ate most of it, though he could hardly taste it; his senses felt numbed by the events of the day. He was utterly confused. He didn't even know if he was hungry. He just sat and watched the people around him come and go.

* * *

After a couple hours, everything quieted. He decided to go see Shepard. There was no one in the med bay but Chakwas and the salarian, so it seemed like a good time. The doctors had obviously finished with their patient a while ago, and were just monitoring her condition now. He stepped through the doorway into medical. Chakwas smiled at him, "Kaidan Alenko! I didn't even notice you on the shuttle ride up... I was so preoccupied. Its good to see you. Not the best of circumstances, but, still." She sighed, tired.

"How is she?" Shepard lay on a bed, a light grey sheet covering her body. She might have looked peacefully asleep, aside from her pale skin, and a vicious purple bruise on her cheek. He looked away, back to Chakwas, who seemed far less affected by Shepard's appearance.

"All patched up. She'll be up and about in a day, I'm sure. She's tough. Even tougher than she used to be, what with all the biotech improvements Cerberus made when they rebuilt her. She'll be just fine," she flashed him a relieved smile.

He cringed at the name, _Cerberus_. "Good," was all he could think to say, running his hand through his hair uneasily.

"How have you been?" Chakwas asked, sounding as sweet and motherly as ever.

"Alright, I guess." He didn't sound convinced, even to himself. "Things just haven't been the same since the Normandy went down. You know?" he admitted.

"Yes, those were dark times. I am so thankful that I've been given a second chance here."

He nodded, absentmindedly. "I didn't know you were here, actually. I thought you were stationed at the Mars Naval Medical Center?"

"I was." She paused, "It just wasn't as fulfilling. I could have asked for a reassignment, but, to be honest, I couldn't think of a better place to put my services to use. I missed the Normandy - not to mention Jeff and the Commander. When they gave me this opportunity - I jumped at it."

"I miss it, too. More than anything. But-- _Cerberus_?" he asked in disbelief. He had always thought of the doctor as Alliance through and through.

"Oh, it was only a means to an end," she said dismissively, perhaps even chidingly. "I support Shepard - her moral compass is incomparable. I work for _her._ I'd follow her anywhere."

His face reddened. He felt shamed, whether that was her intention or not.

Before Kaidan had an opportunity to respond to her words, their conversation was interrupted by a soft groan on the far side of the room. Kaidan and Chakwas turned, looking to the sound. Mordin was already at Shepard's side, exclaiming proudly, "Awake! Already. Such a soldier!" He turned to her, with his best effort at bedside manner, "Be still, Shepard - no need to move. The Doctor and I worked diligently. Stitched you back together. Please, don't make us do it again." He turned and touched the console, "Krios, Shepard is awake."

Chakwas went to the bed to check her vitals, leaving Kaidan at the far side of the room, by the entrance. Out in the mess, Garrus stood and rushed into medical. "Is she ok?" he asked, his voice filled with concern.

Once he reached the foot of her bed and saw she was merely awake, he relaxed. "Damn, Shepard, you sure gave us a scare. I'm never going to let you take on a dozen batarians on your own again. Screw your orders." He smiled a big, toothy turian grin.

"It worked, though?" she joked, her voice raspy. Her eyes didn't seem quite focused; she was still pretty out of it.

"Yes, I suppose it did. Hah-" he snorted. "At least you didn't get shot in the face, like me. Actually, I've come to like this plate thing they fixed me up with - its unique. I like to think it makes me look rugged. But I think you'd just come out looking like Zaeed, and well, that would just be a shame."

Shepard laughed, then quickly winced in pain. "Ohh - stop it with the jokes, Garrus." She smiled, despite the pain, and added drunkenly, "besides, don't you have some calibrations to do?"

Kaidan stepped into her view, unsure of what to say to her.

"Wh- ... Garrus, am I hallucinating? Shit... these drugs... is that Alenko?" she narrowed her eyes, confused.

"Yeah, that's my fault, sorry." Garrus grunted dismissively.

"How? Where-- where did he come from?" Shepard mumbled, breathy and unfocused.

Kaidan opened his mouth, trying to think of something to say. _What could he say?_

With a swish, the doors to medical opened and Thane rushed in, kneeling at Shepard's side. "Siha," he said, caressing her face with his hand. She calmed visibly at his touch, closing her eyes with an long, ragged exhale.

Mordin turned briskly to Garrus and Kaidan. "Shepard needs rest. Must go," he ordered bluntly.

Garrus nodded and left. Kaidan followed suit, reluctantly. Garrus went to confer with the brunette on the other side of the Mess, and Kaidan sat back down at the tables, feeling shaky. He wanted to stay - he hadn't seen her in months. They should have allowed him to stay. Chakwas had to have known of his feelings toward Shepard, their past. He wondered why she hadn't spoken up on his behalf. He wanted to explain himself somehow to Shepard, to confess his feelings for her. Maybe he could convince her to come back to the Alliance. They needed her. _He_ needed her.

Kaidan turned to look back into medical. Thane was still at Shepard's side, leaning over her. The drell was speaking to her, a slight smile crossing his face. He reached down and held her hand in his oddly-shaped one. Kaidan felt a surge of jealousy. He wanted to be the one there, holding her hand. Then, as he watched, Thane leaned over and kissed her_. No._ Suddenly, it all became brutally clear. He was awash with hurt and despair.

He stood, turning his face away from medical, heartbroken. He walked over to Garrus and the brunette, butting into the conversation. Interrupting the woman, he spoke quickly, "Tell Joker to send a message to my ship. I want to return as soon as possible."

The brunette looked him up and down, disapprovingly. She turned to Garrus and spoke as if Kaidan were not there. "Not quite as I expected him. On that topic, if you ever find yourself in a situation where Shepard is incapacitated, perhaps you could consult with me before bringing anyone else on board the Normandy? I am still technically second-in-command."

"Miranda," he groaned, "please-- just lay off already." She huffed, spun and walked into an office adjacent to the Mess.

Garrus turned to Kaidan, mandibles flaring unconsciously with annoyance. Tapping his comm, "Joker. Its time to send our guest home."

"Yes, sir," came Joker's relieved reply.

* * *

The Kodiak arrived in the Alliance ship's open cargo hold, navigating the tight space for a decent landing zone amongst cargo crates and their own shuttle. Commander Kaidan Alenko sat silently, alone in the passenger compartment. There was still a smeared stain of blood on the floor. Shepard's blood. There was a hiss of the thrusters, and a clank as the shuttle touched down. Familiar faces - his crew mates - showed up through the window. The hatch opened; he stood and exited. As soon as he'd stepped out, the shuttle lifted off rudely, closing the door as it departed.

Lieutenant Bishop stood by. She saluted. Kaidan shook his head, not wanting any of it at the moment.

"Its good to have you back, Sir. The Captain wants to see you immediately in the CIC." She lowered her voice, to a less formal tone, "Just so you know, he's beyond pissed. He chewed me out for an hour for letting you go over there."

His shoulders slumped. "It was my decision, not yours. You were just following orders," he said dismissively. He started walking, trying to dodge her questioning look. "Let's just get this over with."

She walked briskly, staying with him. "Commander, why the heck did you insist on going to that vessel?" She obviously wanted answers.

"Carol, I don't really want to talk about it," he mumbled. He was almost certain the woman had a thing for him. She was an excellent soldier, as devoted to the Alliance as he was. He'd casually spent time with her, when they were off-duty. Mostly because it made him feel like he did when he had flirted with Shepard all those years ago. Occasionally he had entertained the thought of pursuing a relationship with Carol, despite Alliance regs. She was gorgeous and very caring. But now, after the events of today, her concern disgusted him.

As they rounded the corner, heading to the elevator to the CIC, he could see the Kodiak arrive at the Normandy out the port window. He stopped, having never seen her in person before. The Normandy SR-2 was an elegant battleship; its long, lean curves shone in the light of the system's sun. It was so different from its predecessor. But, he realized, everything was different from those times. It had all gone down in flames with that old ship. He allowed his thoughts to linger to the woman on board - the one he wanted so desperately to feel for him again.

"That was Commander Shepard who was wounded on the surface, wasn't it?" the woman beside him asked. She stood quite close to him, as if testing the water. "Is she going to live?"

"She always does, somehow," he said, vaguely.

"Did you get to speak with her?" Carol pressured, obviously wondering about more than she dared ask her Commander. He stared at the ship out the window, unresponsive.

In a final insult to his pride and broken heart, the Normandy's engines lit, and it jumped abruptly away into the darkness of space.

"Sir?" the Lieutenant prompted gingerly.

Kaidan sighed heavily, and started toward the elevator. Back to his duty. The one thing he had left. "No."

* * *

A/N: Hope readers don't mind Shep going down, I thought it might be an interesting route. Doing an insanity NG+ run gave me a pretty stark reminder that she is still human... and very, very kill-able. Also, I liked the idea that she could still make mistakes in battle. She's not infallible; I like her with a little imperfection.


	4. Chapter 4

The Normandy had spent a week meandering about, since there was no need to go to the Citadel until Shepard felt ready to get on with her work.

Garrus tried his hand at probing planets for resources, but quickly tired of the task. Kelly remarked that she'd never heard him curse so much. It was she that had suggested to Shepard that they dock somewhere so that the crew could unwind and get off-ship for a while. Everyone needed to de-stress.

So, they stopped for several days at Arcturus Station. Tali was excited at the chance to purchase some new schematics to upgrade to the multicore shielding. Joker's mother still lived there, and he spent a couple days off-ship staying with her. He actually seemed much more pleasant than usual once he returned to the ship. Most of the crew at least ventured out once, even if just for a change of pace. Jacob spent the most time there, meeting for drinks with old Alliance friends. Unsurprisingly, Grunt and Zaeed got themselves kicked off the station on the first day there; they'd gotten in a fight with some locals after only an hour-long visit.

Shepard didn't feel like leaving the ship, though. Especially after Admiral Hackett tried to contact her, asking her to come and meet with him in person. She told Joker to tell him she was still too ill to respond. Definitely a lie, but ... a relatively harmless one. She relaxed in her cabin for a couple days, but quickly tired of lazing around. After that, she was up and about, spending most of her time in the CIC and the Mess; mostly she just wanted her crew to know she was back up to snuff.

Soon, Shepard was ready to move on, and the Normandy set a course for the Citadel. She had arranged to meet with the Council and Anderson, among other things, and didn't want to put it off much longer. Life moved on. She was actually hopeful about her meeting with the Council - they were happy to hear that she'd severed ties with Cerberus, and finally seemed willing to talk. As usual, she knew it was yet to be determined if they were willing to listen. But, it was a start. Her abdominal muscles felt tight and achy when she strained them, but otherwise, she was good. The scars would heal with regular dermal treatments, Chakwas had promised. Shepard wasn't too concerned. These were not her first.

* * *

It was already late in the day when the Normandy entered the Serpent Nebula and approached the Citadel. Standing in the CIC, Shepard studied her console, looking over Citadel docking announcements as they neared the station. "Hey, Kelly," she interrupted the silence. "Did you notice that there's a showing of that elcor performance of Hamlet later tonight?" She chuckled.

The redhead perked up. "Really!? I saw the advertisements when they were performing on Illium. I think it would be amazing to see."

Shepard studied her, looking for a sign that the woman was joking. Kelly just smiled. Shepard laughed, "Kelly, you are too much."

"No really! I find their race so interesting. Such a contrast from us - we can learn a lot about ourselves by interacting with such a different species." She was actually serious. "You want to come?"

Joker interrupted over the comm: "Commander, we've completed docking procedures - Zakera level 27, like you requested."

"Thanks, Joker," she replied. Turning to Kelly, she shook her head, "I think I'll pass. I have a feeling I'd spend most of it laughing my ass off - my wounds are not healed enough for that much hilarity."

The elevator opened behind her, and Garrus strode out. "You want to head onto the station for a bit with me, Shepard? I want to stop into Rodam Expeditions; he's been holding that new rifle I ordered. I can't wait to get my hands on it."

"Sure," she replied, "Thane will probably want to come, too. I'm sure he'd like to stop in and see Kolyat."

Kelly, sounding like a doting mother, added, "Don't stay out late. Remember the Doctor said to take it easy, and you have a meeting with the Council in the morning!"

Garrus laughed heartily; Shepard rolled her eyes.

* * *

Zakera Ward was dingy and dark, quite the contrast from the Presidium. Shepard had originally disliked the area, but it had grown on her. The Presidium might be beautiful, but Zakera had a raw character all its own. There was always something interesting happening, at the very least.

She stopped briefly at C-Sec to see Captain Bailey at his desk on her way in. They had kept up correspondence since the mess with Kolyat. She liked his honesty, and he had an odd sense of humor to boot. They might not see eye-to-eye on everything, but there was definitely a sense of mutual respect between the two. Kolyat was there, and asked to take a break from work to talk with Thane at his desk.

Shepard and Garrus headed to Rodam to pick up Garrus' purchase on their own, promising to return shortly. She walked up the stairs with the turian, enjoying the change of pace from being on the Normandy. As they passed through the doorway, an announcement exclaimed 'I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favorite store on the Citadel!' She cringed. Anonymity was pretty hard to come by on the Citadel, but her little endorsement deals certainly hadn't helped.

Etarn Tiron exclaimed, "Ah the famous Commander Shepard! Good to see you again!" It was painfully obvious that he had said it this loudly merely to ensure that the other shoppers in the store had noticed. Perhaps even those standing outside in the walkway.

She smiled broadly in response. Leaning toward Garrus, she whispered out the corner of her mouth, "The discount had damn well be worth all this crap."

Garrus wrapped his arm around her shoulder, giving her a playful shake. "Of course it is, Shepard," he said gleefully. Half price on the newest model of sniper rifle, of course, was not what he was referring to. Seeing her squirm was absolutely hilarious. He would have gladly paid full price on his gun just to have a holo of the look on her face at that moment.

Some of the other customers were whispering and gesturing toward her excitedly. "Uggh," She moaned. "Please don't make me stay in here, Garrus. I'm gonna head back down and wait outside C-Sec."

Garrus shrugged and quickly started palling around with the Etarn, sharing stories of kills as they excitedly examined the state-of-the-art rifle. Shepard quickly exited, and headed back downstairs, wanting to disappear in the crowd and give herself time to relax. Something she actually had in common with the bubbly yeoman was a great appreciation for people-watching. Once she had returned to level 27, she leaned against the railing near rapid transport and attempted to sink into the crowd.

As she watched, people came and went - mostly aliens, with an occasional human interspersed. She briefly wondered how blissful ignorance would feel - being unaware of the impending Reaper threat. She shrugged off the thought. She much preferred her life as it was, no matter what a burden the truth could sometimes be.

Shepard noticed Kelly heading out of the docking area. She laughed inwardly - Kelly was actually going to go see that elcor performance! Then something surprising caught her eye - someone was with her. His gait gave him away instantly. _Joker??_ Joker was going to see an elcor play with Kelly? The most gregarious person in the whole galaxy out on the town with the most infamous loner. What was the universe coming to? Now she laughed aloud. Maybe they'd be good for each other. Oh, he was never going to live this one down. Immediately, she began formulating delicious quips for the next time she saw him.

After being gone for ten minutes or so, Garrus strode up beaming and holding his new rifle. "You would _not believe_ the specs this baby's got. Shepard, you've got to try it. You know, come to think of it, we really should put in a firing range on the Normandy." He was rambling, giddy with excitement.

She laughed. "Garrus, you know I'm terrible with sniper rifles!"

"This one is perfect," he mused, fiddling with its scope. "Even _you_ would never miss a shot. You know, there's at least a few criminals out and about at all times on Zakera. Find one, and I'll let you take the first shot..." he tilted his head hopefully.

She shook her head and grinned, "Its tempting, Garrus, but I don't think I need that much excitement tonight. Maybe tomorrow."

"I should go show it to Jacob before he heads in for the night. He loves this sort of thing." He paused, "You'll be alright waiting for Thane by yourself?"

"Of course," she waved him off. She was actually enjoying the solitude. Besides, he was behaving far too adorably to say no. He practically skipped off toward the docking bay. She turned back to watch the crowds.

Nearby, two salarians were arguing over the terms of a breeding contract. The greener-tinged one angrily called the other a cloaca, to which she lightly snorted a laugh. The other, a more brownish one, was gesturing so wildly that he lost his balance, tripping on his own feet, and fell backwards into a passing hanar. The jelly lit up pink in surprise and involuntarily stung him, sending the salarian scrambling away on all fours screaming curses.

"This one offers its deepest regrets for unintentionally causing you pain," the hanar apologized melodiously, holding up a tentacle in what must have been a conciliatory gesture. This was followed by more curses from the salarian, whose counterpart was holding him back to prevent him from trying to strangle the jelly. Shepard wondered if that was even possible. She had to rip her gaze away from this group, before she started laughing too loudly and caused an incident herself.

For a couple minutes, she turned her focus to a pair of turians who were discussing the latest election across the walkway from her. Aside from a few racist comments, they were far less interesting. She turned back to the other group, hoping for more excitement. The hanar was floating quickly away and pulsing purple with embarrassment, obviously trying to escape the situation. It bumped into a group of humans coming up the stairs from level 26. No stinging, this time, she noted with disappointment. Then her slight smile disappeared. One of the humans was Kaidan.

"Oh boy," she muttered to herself, and turned to face the windows. She hoped that he just wouldn't notice her.

Garrus had told her how Kaidan had come with them aboard the Normandy. Strangely, she couldn't even recall him being there. Her memories were too affected by all the drugs the doctors had given her. The turian had also gone off on how it was Kaidan's fault that she was shot, since he had prevented Thane from covering her. She had quickly dismissed this, reminding him that Kaidan didn't know her new crew. Thane could have easily looked like the enemy. It was an honest mistake. She was fine anyways, so she assured Garrus that it wasn't anything that needed to be worried over anymore.

She thought back to her last meeting with Kaidan on Horizon. He had been so bitter, so different from his old self. She had hardly known what to say to him; he had hardly given her a chance to respond, anyway. Then, he emailed her hinting at rekindling their relationship, which she knew she just couldn't do. Not after his words on Horizon.

_Idiot_, she thought. If he couldn't trust her judgment, her morals - then how could he really have ever loved her? Now that she was with Thane, she felt sure that whatever she had had with Kaidan - it wasn't love. She realized she was aiming the insult at herself just as much, though. She wished she could go back and tell herself to quit being so irresponsible. However brief their little fling had been, it was foolish on so many levels. What started as playful flirtation had quickly been pressured by their mission into what perhaps they'd thought was a romance at the time. The fact that she'd practically had to order him to join her in bed that night probably should have been an indicator to her that the relationship wasn't meant to be. Of course, she knew there was nothing she could do to change it now.

Thane, of course, had asked about Kaidan. He had easily observed the tension between Garrus and the human, and noted the way the soldier had looked at her. She didn't really know what to tell him. She admitted that she didn't particularly know how to label it, herself. Eventually, she described how they'd been briefly romantically involved during the mission against Sovereign. She also allowed that, looking back, she regretted making this choice. Thane had accepted this explanation without further queries, undoubtedly knowing it was not an issue she wanted to discuss further. She could tell that it did not bother him. The fact that they both considered themselves 'dead' for some time - either in reality or metaphysically - had made them very similar in their approaches to life. They both lived for the present and hoped for the future - neither wallowed in the past.

She peeked over her shoulder, only to find that Kaidan had noticed her and was only a short distance away. He dismissed the officers following him. They walked off, standing at the far side of the walkway, talking. As he approached, she turned back to the window, unwilling to face him. He stepped up behind her and spoke, "Shepard? How are you?"

She turned around, an exasperated look on her face. "Fine - all better." Her tone was dull, uninterested. She glanced over toward C-Sec, half hoping Thane would walk out and she could excuse herself to go back to the Normandy.

His brows scrunched together, "Damn. Don't even pretend like you're happy to see me."

"Kaidan, I don't know-- I guess I'm just not. I'm kind of tired of being treated like some kind of traitor. I'm not going to stand by and listen to it anymore. I've got enough on my plate. If the Alliance doesn't trust me - if you don't - then so be it. I'm okay with that."

He scoffed, "How can you say you'd throw away your duty to the Alliance? You say it like it doesn't even matter."

She shrugged, "I still stand by my choices. It was the right thing to do."

He shook his head, bitterly, "Are you even the same person? You're carrying around a shipload of convicts and psychopaths. It certainly didn't take long for me to see that for myself. Are you sure you didn't throw away your morals, too? Did Cerberus change you so much?"

She put her hands on her hips. Her face reddened slightly, indignant, ""You don't know what I've been through, Kaidan. You have no right to judge me. Or my actions. Or my crew, for that matter. They put their lives on the line to save humanity. I trust every one of them with my life. And for the last time, I am not _'with_' Cerberus. I didn't throw anything away - I did what I _had_ to do."

"No. You did throw something away. You threw away what _we_ had."

"What?" she snorted, this time really annoyed. "What are you even talking about? We were stupid; it was against regs. We were just two people thrown together by happenstance, who thought they were going to die in a few hours. We fucked - once! We didn't get married. Besides, I was dead for two years. Shouldn't you have moved on already? It was a mistake!"

"It meant something to me, you heartless bitch!" He yelled, and hit her shoulders with his hands, smashing her backward into a wall. She shook her head, stunned momentarily. Her stomach throbbed with pain, giving her a sharp reminder of her nearly-fatal injury only a week prior. She grasped her abdomen, gasping.

When she turned her face back to meet Kaidan's eyes, she saw his face was pale and shocked. His emotional state had obviously made him temporarily lose control of his biotics; his hands still glowing blue with energy.

"Get a hold of yourself!" she groaned. "What do you want from me, anyway?" He stepped forward, shakily trying to help her up, but she shrugged his hand off.

"Shepard - God, I'm so sorry." She just stared at him, unbelieving.

He continued, "Its just-- I wanted you back so badly. I wanted what we had, before. Everything - the crew, the ship, our lives. I lost it all on that day you died. And then when I saw you with that other man, I felt like I'd lost it all over again."

It was then that she knew she had deserved to be thrown against the wall. She had lost control of her emotions, too. She shouldn't have said those things. He was still a person - and obviously one with very confused feelings. She realized with shame that she was being just as quick-to-judge as he had been on Horizon. "I'm sorry-- for what I said. That was inappropriate, hateful." She reached out and put her hand on his shoulder. She wasn't sure how to say this to him. "But Kaidan, you have to see that things will never be what they were. Everything's changed; you and I - we've changed, too."

"I know," he admitted. "Sometimes I think I died, too, when the Normandy went down."

"The Normandy-- she was just a thing. Losing the ship doesn't mean its all over for those that survived... we move on, we adapt. We have to."

"I just can't-- its hard to find the will to try anymore. The Council just decided it was inconvenient, and just like that, it was forgotten to everyone in the galaxy. My own personal sacrifices, Ashley's death, your death... it was like everything we did was for nothing. I just thought - if I could get you back, maybe that would fix things." He looked at her, hopefully.

_Did he really think that having her back would somehow negate all the terrible things that had happened?_ Perhaps it seemed rational in his tortured mind, but she was no solution for him, for these torments that he couldn't move past or escape. She realized that it was all within him, something he couldn't let go of, even if it was already long gone. She had just been the one thing that had somehow come back into his life, and he had fixated on her. She continued gently, "I'm not what you need, Kaidan. I'm no longer that person you think you loved. Even if I were still her, I can't bring back all the things we lost, or force the universe to be different."

He looked down. "God. Everything in me, its so conflicted. My life-- its so devoid of a purpose. We had that back then. Just another thing I've lost."

"We _still_ have a purpose," she said, fumbling with words, uncertain of how to talk to this man. He was once a close friend... now he was like a stranger. "You can still join us, my team. The fight isn't over yet. I could use your help."

He shook his head. "No, I can't. Maybe you're right - maybe I do need to let go, find new purpose. But if that's true, then I have to--" his voice cracked, his face sadder than she'd ever seen it. "I have to move on with my life, however I can. _If_ I can. Looking at your face, though I know you don't intend it-- it brings me too much pain. I can't have you there, as a constant reminder of everything I've lost. The Alliance is the only thing that is certain in my life anymore. I need that stability. The Alliance is where I belong."

He leaned in, kissing her on the cheek tenderly. He whispering to her softly, "Goodbye, Shepard. And... good luck." With that, he turned, and walked away.

She stood, silent, looking at the broken man walking away from her. Doubt crept back into her mind again. _Had she ruined him?_ Her gut wrenched, she felt as if her feet were nailed to the walkway. Her heart screamed for her to run after him, to fix him. But she couldn't. Tears welled in her eyes.

_No_. _It wasn't her_. Perhaps their short fling had hurt him, but it wasn't what had broken him. She knew this; she had to accept it.

It was _everything_, this harrowing and arduous journey that they had all been through - and were still going through. The harsh realities and responsibilities the galaxy had shoved upon them, without invitation, warning, or apology. She had briefly felt destroyed by it all on several occasions - when she had lost Ashley, when she had been brought back to life at the hands of Cerberus, even when she had been yelled at by him on Horizon. In the end, though, this was what hardened her. It made her the woman she was. These were obstacles - albeit, enormous and intensely painful ones. Yet, they were things that made her stronger. As much as she hated them, she needed them... to make her strong enough to face the immense challenges that lay ahead. It pained her to see that these obstacles had broken him so.

She closed her eyes. A tear rolled down her cheek, which was still tinged with the remainder of a bruise.

She was not normally a very religious person, never having really been taught any one faith in particular. But at this moment, she prayed, to whomever might listen. She hoped that he would find peace. He deserved peace, after the sacrifices he had made. They all did. She willed herself to have the strength to fight until her last breath. To _stop_ the Reapers. _To fix what she could_._ 'That's what I do... fix things_.' _I have to,_ she realized_. For all of them._

She leaned against the railing next to rapid transport, staring out the windows for what seemed like a long time.

Eventually, Thane arrived at her side. Upon seeing her face, his brows furrowed with sudden concern, "You look pale; are you feeling well?"

"I spoke with Kaidan," she said.

He shifted, uncomfortable. "Are you alright?" he asked. She turned to look at his face, but he was looking down.

She followed his gaze, to her hands resting on the railing. They were shaking. She gripped the rail tightly, trying her best to still them.

"I'm okay, Thane," she said finally, "It was just... really difficult. The trials we've all been through, the things we've faced... He's just so broken. I wish I could have helped him - sheltered him against the toll it has taken on all of us. But I-- I guess this time I ... couldn't." she trailed off. The last word proved more difficult to utter than she had expected. "Sorry, I know you only mean well by asking. I just can't find the words. I'll try to tell you about it later."

"Siha, you needn't explain yourself to me. You know that you cannot always shield others against these things, no matter how hard you try. You may have been his commander, but ultimately you can't control how these events affect him. We face an enemy few in this galaxy can imagine. This battle has - and will continue to - require the utmost of you and those who fight with you. Not everyone can be expected to have your exceptional ability to endure. Some companions are only meant to be there for part of the journey. Instead of being overwhelmed with sorrow at this... just remember their sacrifice. You are fighting for _them_."

She murmured, "You're right," with a fatigued sigh. After a moment to think over what he'd said, her brows furrowed. Her green eyes returned to his face, seeking his gaze with sudden intensity. "Damn it, I expect _you_ to be with me through it all, Thane."

He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close to his chest. His embrace had never given her so much comfort. "Of course, Siha. I want nothing more than to be there for you to lean on - whenever your burdens seem too heavy. You may be a warrior angel in my eyes," he purred, "but even angels need support, and occasionally, protection. I will be yours, until the end."

She tucked her face into his neck, permitting herself to accept the small gift of happiness that the galaxy had allowed her. Sure, she gained strength through facing her demons. But he, too, was her strength - and she was so very thankful. She knew in the journey to come, she would need all she could get.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading! Please leave your thoughts, critiques, and/or encouragement. :) Feedback is always appreciated - this is only my second fanfic.


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